broken=outcast

I became broken. Well not just broken I showed me && than all chaios broke out. && it didnt just break out in my home, with my family, or friends. It broke where it should have stayed the strongest, the place where people are supposed to come broken, to find hope && be loved. yet thats where i find my outcast being so obvious. I know some care, and some hold on. But one of my peers that i look up to the most makes me feel the worse. He's my friend at the place of worship, but seems to not know me outside. I have made mistakes && always will but I keep running to find acceptance, i fell apart && ran away from where I needed to be most && shall i return a little to late to find im no longer welcome. Yes I must point out people are good at putting masks on. I'm one of those people. I want to come, be broken, and accepted. You have seen me--i showed you my partial brokenness--accept it. Its part of me, part of everyone in this world. i have fallen far from everything i need to be near && i cant find my way back, nor do I know if I want to. I feel sad knowing I'm so far, yet I can touch it, feel it. I can breathe on it. I just want to be close again.


&& thats all...

I cause drama?

I really dont understand people anymore.
and I am so sick of working for friendships that dont even matter.
I am sick of asking questions [[because i am a very curious being]] and being slapped in the face with all the accusastions.
one being i cause drama.

hahaha. in your face.

dude. if you know me you know out of everyone I DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to stay away from this worldly demon thing people call "DRAMA".//and to have the nerve.

I swear.

I do need to go lay this fustration at the feet of the savior.

&& I know that i will feel much better.

Fustration is something I definitley dont need in my life right now.

I have more important things to focus on then some little words you have spoken to me "friend".

So when it comes to life.//I definitley dont know it all//but when it comes to myself.//i know everything.

I <33 Jebus [[No this is not a typo.]]

"To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes"

It torments me day and night.
Letting me not forget what I went through.
The fight I fought.
The battle I almost didnt win.
Yet I still act like I lost.
I choose to remember.
&& falling seems so easy now.

Tears dont exsist to me.
They are just water running down my cheeks.
burning the emotions I feel.

I regret one thing in my life.
and I will never forget the day.
I let him take all of me with him.
He was supposed to be my protection.
He has something worthy of mine.
Yet he drags along like its dirt.

I know everything I should have done.
Should have felt.
I treat my past like its still living.
Its dead in the saviors eyes.
Yet I cant see it that way.
I can touch it.
Feel it.
How can I let something so painful just slip right through me.

How can I keep letting the battle of Satan win?
Satan is nothing compared to power of Jesus I have within me.
Yet I let my faith fall each time.
He knows just what to say.

And. Everytime. I. Remember.

A certain way to blog?

So last night I was informed that people dont know how to blog. In that category of "people" includes me. :). So today I am going to try my first blog. It being done the right way.

Uhumm. So what do I feel today.

Well feelings seem to not have a place in my life right now. Well they do but they are EVERYWHERE! one minute I am angry, another minute I am sad, and another happy. Sometimes I feel excited over nothing. and than I will cry over something stupid. (For instance I couldnt find a movie I wanted to watch, so I sat on the floor, and cried.) and yet some people would call this PMS. but it has been going on for about a month now. so. I would like to call it weird emotions.

I am in a weird place with my savior. I dont feel like I am in a bad place though. but I definitely dont feel on fire anymore. and its so stupid because I feel I know him. Like REALLY know him. but I also feel so distant.

I love the saying "Knowing is different from believing." used in the movie [[honestly I cant remember the name right now]] but the pastor got left behind. AHH THE MOVIES NAME IS LEFT BEHIND. hahahaha. ohkay well he did and its because he knew everything and could preach sermons and knew what to do in situations he just didnt believe it.

I feel I am him.




Hmmm. I dont feel I did too bad, haha.

BTW: dancing=Amazingness.

even if I do dance like a retarded penguin.

[[inside joke]]

(: I have Happiness :)

"From Glory. To Glory. You Are Glorious."

"Say it again for me, cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that im the only one who blows your mind" -Marie Digby.

I am in one of those moods. You know the kind where you just want love. and not any kind of love. the kind that moves you, makes you feel a certain way, where your always happy. I definatly know I have that love from Jesus. but have you ever just wanted it from a person you can touch, feel, kiss, hug, just lay there with.

"I need your touch" -Metro Station

&& I know alot of these kids dont know what love is. You have those people who just get in a relationship. "OMG LET ME PUT YOU AS NUMBER ONE ON MY TOP OMG I LOVE YOU" sikeeeee.

"I cant breath when you talk to me, I cant breath you touch me, I suffocate when your away from me. " J-Holiday

&& than you have those gay songs that dont help your feelings. they lie. haha. i dont really know if they lie but you know. you knowww.

"Note to self, I miss you terribly, This is what we call a tragedy." -From First To Last

&& now I definately dont have anything to write about anymore. I am just in one of those moods. I do have feelings for someone. but they have already voiced how they felt.

way to go.

ha.

" and we all want love, to feel it running through our bones, to have it creeping down our spine. you dont just walk out your front door and find it. it comes with time. and when you find it. you definatly know it. its something that over takes you. and when you let go. its like your whole world crashes through your fingers, you bleed out the pain, and feel your never going to make it through." -Me. :)

8 teenagers. and a trip to VA.

So I do have to say going to Kings Dominion with a bunch of teenagers with no adult is crazy fun. I got over my fear of rollar coasters yesterday. well more like friday. thanks to andrew. i love love love rollar coasters now but still have that fear when a new one comes along.satuday at 3 am i was running on 2 hours of sleep since thursday morning. ugh. so i woke up on thursday at 9 AM. had to baby sit till 3:30 AM. but got 2 hours of sleep. than my sister picked me up at 4 and i just stayed up. drove to VA. stayed at the park all day. than we were going to go home. but the kids who were driving kept going off the road. so we had to get a motel. and than when we got in there we just talked. ugh. no one was tired. but than left this morning at 10 AM. and got home at 2. we stopped 10 miles from the NC state line. GAY. haha. but i had loads of fun. and did you know the water park is free. well i didnt haha. oh the dominator kicks freaking butt. and the spongebob 3D ride. ha.

I feel dumb blogging about this considering my friends blog differently.

errm. i guess im different.

I <33 crazy kids.

Boring.

Soooo. I dont really have anything to write about today. I am just real bored. I do know this summer has been crazy busy. Summer school starts the 25th and my mom is like on her knees begging me to go. but. ugh. thats so boring. plus i can catch up. it will be hard but. joe is supposdly supposed to take me to school next year. sikeee. haha. i mean idk. i do enjoy school. i mean. the social part. but i think by january i will be a sophmore. ew. i have to be a freshman again. sick. i hate freshmans. haha. i mean some are okay. but all those immature kids. uck. I have to babysit thursday. like an all night thing. not too sure how i feel about that. but im getting paid!! and than im supposed to go to kings diminion (i know i spelt that wrong) for 2 days and than the beach for 3 days. i am getting so tan. haha. well maybe not. idk. its the tanniest i have been in a while??? i guess. and than a friend is supposed to come down from new york on the 26th. i want to go to maryland for a couple of weeks. and than theres the green team at church. hahaha. GO GREEN. haha im wearing a green shirt right now too. dude. I want to dye my hair again. haha what if i dyed it green? hahaha. sikeee. now i feel gay I am pretending to talk to someone. geez. i must be really bored. alright alright. i am going to go now.

dont read this. you might think im a freak.

i <33 happiness :)

This week=Crap

&& than i become focoused on all of it. and then. everything. seems. to. go. wrong. this life is hard as it is. why pull more drama into it.

I want to stop. take a deep breath. and forget about problems.

Problems=Saddness

Saddness=Depression

&& Depression=A cycle of my old life.

I dont want to go back there.

and I swear to myself I never will.

But everyday. It gets closer. I can feel it breathing on me.

Write. Love. Laugh.

It was cold. Very cold. Everything on her body was numb. Breathing had become difficult. and moving was no longer an option. the floor no longer had a feeling to it. although she knew where she laid. tile surronded her. water, blood. noises. she could hear them afar. she opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out. only a mear sound of faint breath. her hands, feet, were clamped together by a mass of metal rods. cutting into her flesh. as bright as it was everything felt so dark. so cold. she knew she was on the verge of death. and then footsteps were heard. getting closer. hope maybe? or another man, not even human in her eyes. to show her of how worthless she had become. let her understand what it feels like to be alone. to have nothing to hold on to but the feeling of maybe there is a chance. a chance to live.

errm. i have nothing else. finish it maybe?

Personality Test

So i took this personality test and this is my results which are scary accurate. --------->You are generally calm, although some situations can make you feel anxious or tense, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much, however you are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. You find yourself procrastinating and show poor follow-through on tasks. Often you fail to complete tasks - even tasks that you want very much to complete.

and today issss....

well. i love my life. just thought i'd point that out. i did the dishes todayy in a weird wayy and i would share but i kinda feel like its too much. haha. okay now it just sounds weird. well. i did it in my bra and underwear haha. well i got mad at my sister cuz she squirted me with the hose thingy and so i was like fine. and stripped. hhahaha. im kinda upset i didnt go to church but whatever im spending my time eating pizza, txting, myspace, and scary movies. i miss the good times. but ive never been happier??wow im lame. wayy to goo all my friends, you complete me. i love you guys! <3 the one and only...

March 31

I have screwed up everything. I am sorry for everything tonight I feel like a piece of crap. I wish i could just make it all disappear. so sorry for all the people invovled i proabley screwed up myself more than anyone else..

March 29

So today has been a good day. Internet explorer is def getting on my nerves right now. and i realized i hate my blog name...can i change it?? hmmm. my day was filled with too much cleaning and too little eating. i havent felt hungry the last two days. i am totally exicted for church tomorrow. nobody has been online...BORING! my plans were ruined today by a grocery shopping mom. i like lowes foods. i wish i was doing something exciting. i am not looking forward to school. i am looking forward to lunch though. i am sorry all my post are boring. wait this is my first one. i am glad i met people. they are amazing. i have something running through my head and it is killing me not saying anything. i got my bloggin inspiration from joe roy. wayy to go. i got a cell phone today oh yess. i love to text ha! i am out!